kruciatus:

the houses as lines from john mulaney’s kid gorgeous

gryffindor: “In high school, people were like, ‘What are your top 3 colleges?’ I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

hufflepuff: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that.”

ravenclaw: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”

slytherin: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.” x