is it still technically a drink? who cares! grampa wanted a slice and i do too 10/10
skittlebrau
i’m still waiting for some artisanal craft beer company to crowdfund the actualisation of skittlebrau 9/10
malk
brittle bones are a small price to pay for all that vitamin r 7/10
the all-syrup super squishee
this drink comes with consequences. are you prepared for what that might mean? 5/10
shelbyville turnip juice
turnip juice is a real thing apparently? who looked at a turnip and wanted to drink it? 3/10
homer’s morning glass of syrup
my teeth are crying 0/10
marge’s homemade pepsi
an undefinable and unknowable entity ?/10
lays liquid potato chips
i’ve got questions and they’re all about how i can forget i ever had to think about this 0/10
worcestershire flavoured soft drink
carbonated worcestershire is truly a cursed concept 0/10
a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat
the bartender requires you to sign a waiver before he serves you. this drink takes you to a strange new place where the man whose hat you are drinking from tells you the meaning of life in a way you are never able to articulate after you regain consciousness number eight/10
this is, obviously i think, the best post on this site. we all can stop posting now. i feel such relief
now hold on just a minute, op forgot a few essentials
tomacco juice
tomacco was the produce made by homer, when mixing tobacco and tomatoes after putting a plutonium rod in the ground near tobacco and tomato plants. considering tomacco was highly addictive, repulsive + possibly deadly 0/10
flaming homer/flaming moe
the secret ingredient in the flaming homer and flaming moe is krusty’s non-narkotik kough syrup for kids, probably more addictive than tomacco but everyone seemed to love it so 9/10
ned flander’s hot cocoa from the simpsons movie
this is the same cocoa that made bart mutter “oh my god” 22/10
It’s the sixth grade. Somehow, I had come across a catalogue for the store they bought all the school store crap from. You know, the smelly erasers and dumb keychains that they sell for like a buck apiece. So I somehow got this catalogue, and little old entrepreneur me was like “I should buy something from this and sell it at school for an absurdly high price to gain basically pure profit.” As sixth graders do. So I bought two huge tubs full of these keychains called Jellybears. This is what they look like.
So I bought a metric fuckton of these assholes for about 20 cents a piece. I start selling them at school for a buck fifty. Like I said, pure profit. 6th grade me was brilliant. I broke even in like eight seconds of me whippin these bad boys out at school. Saying these are were a hit is an understatement. They were like a home run triple, or some other sports metaphor. People are buying this shit at lunch time, between classes. Shit, one girl even admitted to selling the ones she bought off me around her neighborhood for like five bucks. I was happy to be the middleman, but I digress. The point is, not only did I gain entrepreneurial skills, I also made a pretty penny. However, a month into my brilliant business, I get a call down to the office.
I had never been called to the office before. I was such a goody two-shoes you wouldn’t believe. This was in a school that boasted like two fights per week. The ratio of cops and administrators to students was like 1:3. And there were 1700 people at this school. That’s a whole lot of authority figures for a whole lot of miscreants and ne’er-do-wells. And here I was, reading large pretentious books and wearing polo shirts, with a gigantic backpack and in an advanced math class. I was, and still am, a lame weeny. Just wanted to put that in perspective.
Anyway, I was called down to the office that day. Literally shaking in the huge chair they had for me, facing down the terrifying vice-principal, she pulled out a Jellybear.
It was the DIVA one, if I’m not mistaken. I was then given a good lecture about how I’m not allowed to sell things on campus without explicit permission, yadda yadda, the whole spiel. Except I felt there was something fishy about the whole thing. Maybe it was how she held the Jellybear in her hand, perhaps it was the way she confiscated the rest of them.
After asking around with the intense gossip network of middle school, I discovered the real reason the administration confiscated the Jellybears.
They had reason to suspect I was filling them with vodka.
They had reason to suspect that I, the tiny, stupid haired, braces-clad sixth grader who played a tuba bigger than she was was the head of a sophisticated alcohol distributing cartel in which I punctured and drained the goop from cute keychains, refilled them with straight vodka with a syringe, sealed them off with no trace, and sold them around school.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered that they assumed me capable of that sort of espionage, or insulted that they thought me dumb enough to sell middle schoolers straight vodka for A BUCK FIFTY.
really who did they think i was i was in advanced math for petes sake.
okay but turn the tv to cnn cause all the anchors are drunk and it’s great
Don Lemon got an ear pierced and is considering a tattoo. A guy in Dallas is hitting on Anderson Cooper from across the timezone. This is great.
Anderson Cooper apparently thinks Mark Wahlberg is hot
Some highlights from CNN’s coverage of New Years in case you missed it:
– Don Lemon was joking about getting a tattoo of Donald Trump’s face on his dick and then an hour later seemed like he was seriously considering it.
– A boat full of Canadians in Miami were very offended when asked how much the boat costs.
– As soon as the year rang in, Don Lemon thought they went to commercial about a second too soon and he screamed “2016 WAS FUCKING AWFUL”
– Don Lemon was interviewing people in a bar and he said to one guy, “wow, you’re really drunk right now” and the guy said on live tv “I’m not drunk, but I’m definitely not sober woooo”
– When Kathy Griffin saw Ryan Seacrest, she flipped him off, and Anderson Cooper had to hold her around the waist to keep her from jumping the railing and going after him.
– I actually thought it was funny and staged at first, but Anderson started saying, “Kathy! No! We’re on the air! We’re on the air!”
– A guy approached Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper to play a game where he says a word and they have to say what immediately comes to mind so he says “Ball Drop” and they both are like “um uh ah uh” for like a solid 15 seconds.
– “No, I’m not wearing underwear. Why?” -Kathy Griffin, 2016
– Kathy Griffin said she was getting drunk texted by one of CNN’s Political Analyst so Anderson got her on live tv via the phone and she was like “I was just wondering if you had backstage tickets to Drake, Kathy! Jeez!” and Kathy was like “That’s why I thought you were drunk! Why would I have a backstage pass to a show in Las Vegas for a guy I don’t know!?”
– Anderson Cooper had to stop everything to find and put his glasses on so he could read a cue card, but Kathy Griffin was like “wow, that sexy left fast” and he took them off and she was like “No, it’s not coming back. It’s like in Queens right now. It’s gone, buddy.”
– “No, Anderson. Say what you said a minute ago.” “What did I say a minute ago?” “You know what you said! Just say it-” “Are you talking about when I suggested that Mark Wahlberg is an attractive man.” “The word you used was not attractive.” “Well he’s not interested so it doesn’t matter.” “You don’t know that!” “I’m pretty sure!”
– Kathy Griffin recounting her Christmas dinner with Peewee Herman and some other famous people, saying that her dog was chocking on a bone and someone said to tap him between the ass and balls and it would come up, so she did, and he spat out the bone, and everyone clapped.
basically i dont care if you drink smoke or do drugs as long as you can hold a conversation about something besides the fact that you drink smoke or do drugs
ruby-dear archive 