I’m plotting a hostile takeover of DC Comics with @kuttithevangu and we’re going to start writing Batman ourselves. Here are some of our plans:
–The Joker Goes to Clown College. The Joker has become tediously overused, unfunny, and ludicrously dark and gritty. He’s so fucking boring that we’re putting a ban on stories in which he’s a major villain for several years. In the meantime, Dick Grayson starts visiting him in Arkham with very special visitors in tow: professional clowns from Haly’s Circus. They offer constructive criticism and then help him get accepted to a four-year clown college, where he can get a degree in clowning, improve his comedy potential, and learn to execute jokes with fewer executions. Clown college in this world is just like regular university so The Joker has to like… write essays on Buster Keaton and stuff. [Alternative: The Joker accidentally turns himself into a hamster (with a Joker face) and has to live in a cage in the Batcave while they research ways to turn him back.]
–New Original Character: Brad. Damian Wayne isn’t Bruce’s only illegitimate biological son! Brad is a perfectly normal, well-adjusted teenager whose mother had a one-night stand with Bruce at a party years ago. Brad decides to reach out to his biological playboy father after tabloids confirm a paternity test. Damian finds this very threatening but there’s nothing he can do about it because Brad is an oblivious civilian who only visits every few weeks and has no idea that his father and half-siblings are vigilantes.
–Tim Drake Gets What He Deserves. Tim has been written darker and grittier with every passing year, a far cry from the fun dweeb he was when first introduced. As he becomes more and more like Bruce, he picks up another of his mentor’s traits: the ability to attract plucky youngsters who insist on cheering him up. Previous unsuccessful attempts to introduce Carrie Kelley to the main DC canon are scrapped; she’s BACK and she’s a 14 year old tacky gay genderfluid snoop who figures out his identity and passionately believes that Red Robin needs a Burger King, or something. She gets what she wants and she wants to play DnD. HOW THE TURNS HAVE TABLED, TIMOTHY.
–Batfamily camping trip. IDK, maybe Brad is responsible for this. It goes poorly because no one (except perhaps Babs) has any experience in legitimate outdoor recreation beyond hardcore wilderness survival.
–#batmanchallenge. The Batman Challenge starts trending and young people start coming to Gotham in an attempt to get Batman to punch them on video. Jason Todd gets in on it.
–The Secret Life of Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred has a whole secret social life that Bruce doesn’t know about because he has never once contemplated that Alfred is a sexual being with considerable game. He’s very popular among the ladies at the bridge club and Old People Who Love Shakespeare Club, which is for old people.
these are all great ideas and i endorse them wholeheartedly.
I WANT TO KNOW THE STORY BEHIND THIS. I HONESTLY THOUGHT THEY WERE LOVERS.
Okay, okay, so short version:
Joker seduced Harley while he was in Arkham and she was his psychologist. He did so by manipulating sessions to make him seem pitiable.
Harley broke Joker out. Joker was originally going to kill her then, but fans had latched onto Harley Quinn’s new look and she was a fan favorite (mind you as I recall, she was originally introduced in BTAS, and then transferred to the comics later). So she ended up surviving his first murder attempt.
He decided that although annoying she could still be useful (since she’s actually brilliant, and at this point somewhat codependent). This leads to a string of horrific abuses and murder attempts. Including (in the TV show alone) throwing her through a window that is at *least* three stories up, choking her, beating her with a hammer, threatening her with one of his gag guns (which, depending on the gun, may or may not kill her in various ways), and attempting to get hyenas to eat her.
In the comics, it includes starving her, chaining her to a wall in a sewer on top of corpses of “failed Harleys,” poisoning her, leaving her in burning buildings, pushing her into the line of police fire, gaslighting her basically every time he fails to kill her, and the list goes on. When she becomes pregnant with her and Joker’s kid, she leaves for nine months, to her sister’s place, and gives birth there. She doesn’t tell Joker about the kid (and goes out of her way to prevent Joker from finding out). She tells Canary that it’s because Mr. J would be too busy for a kid, but if you pay attention to Harley’s behavior throughout the comic, the clear subtext is “My kid would end up dead or worse if Joker knew about her.”
Additionally, post break up, she notes he was abusive, says it wasn’t love, it was manipulation, and frequently describes it as the worst part of her life.
I’m no expert but I remember one more thing… she said he never noticed she was gone for those 9 months.
THANK YOU FOR CLEARING THIS UP.
This is why couples are creepy as fuck for dressing up as Harley and the joker and why people are especially fucked up for thinking the relationship they had in suicide squad was “goals”
Honestly if you want to know why Batman is necessary in Gotham City just remember that the Gotham City Police Department had a banquet honoring Commissioner Gordon and they ordered a cake from “Crazy Clown Catering.” Honestly, guess who jumped out of the cake, much to the surprise of the entire Gotham City Police Force, who by all logic should have an entire division devoted to Clown Felonies by this point
In the criminal justice system, clown based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Gotham City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these comedic felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Insane Clown Posse. These are their stories.
Tony Stark: Builds fifty Iron Man suits that cost 500 millions each, blows them up for giggles. Builds another hundred suits, wasting billions more, and refusing to share the tech.
Bruce Wayne: Funds troops and the police force with so much money and tech, that BPD and GCPD are almost militant.
Tony Stark: Throws cocktail parties for society “friends” and personal friends every other night.
Bruce Wayne: Only attends charity balls and fundraising events.
Tony Stark: Clean free energy!! … but sorry, for Avengers Tower use only.
Bruce Wayne: Is indirectly responsible for the Gotham healthcare system that America as a whole still doesn’t have, in addition to funding dozens of free clinics all over the city. And has built hospitals, including mental health facilities.
Tony Stark: Provides high-tech and expensive housing exclusively for his personal friends.
Bruce Wayne: Supports a number of orphanages, free schools, soup kitchens and social services groups. Provides cheap housing for low-income families. And made sure every building under his name is made disability accessible.
Tony Stark: Kills every mook he comes across.
Offers no second chance.
Bruce Wayne:
Provides jobs to ex-felons right out of prison to rebuild their lives.
Offers stable legal employment and free education
to people living on the streets.
Tony Stark: *Thinks money solves everything*
Bruce Wayne: *Knows money isn’t enough*
Tumblr: Why doesn’t Bruce Wayne do something useful with his money??
going to college/university in gotham city would be so wild???
a student who forgets to sort out their accommodation until the last minute and ends up moving into mr freeze’s hideout because everywhere else in town is full. still beats dorms i guess.
the welcome assembly is 6 hours long and most of it is what to do if you encounter the joker or batman or some other hero or villain and how the police are essentially useless.
non-gothamite students being freaked out over why the gothamite students aren’t panicking when their campus coffee shop gets held up by harley quinn and poison ivy.
city-wide catastrophes are not an excuse for getting out of finals week.
the black market is incredibly easy to access in gotham and ends up getting used by students wanting to make a quick buck by writing other people’s essays or stealing answers off tests. beware ex-psychology professors who do not take kindly to cheaters.
not being sure whether the sound you’re hearing is an explosion somewhere in town or just your neighbor’s music at 3AM.
did you just see nightwing pass by your window or are you hallucinating from lack of sleep?
riddler crashes the university’s servers, causing untold fear and panic to the students who had left their essays to the very last minute to turn in.
iceberg lounge is to be avoided, the drinks are so damn expensive and the nightlife is usually lousy unless batman’s doing a raid on the place.
any drunk student could easily be taken in as a new batman villain. one minute you’re at a fancy dress party having a good time, the next thing you know you’re waking up in a jail cell with a suspicious, batarang shaped scar and the tabloids calling you Donkey Girl.
every student thinks they can be robin within the first two weeks of moving to gotham. this usually does not end well.
seeing two-face chilling at mcdonald’s on your friend’s snapchat story and not even being surprised at this point.
no need to set an alarm for a 14 minute nap, batgirl will probably come crashing through your window anyway.
most people want to bang either someone from the batfam or the rogues gallery. some have even attempted it.
fear toxin is put in the vents one time but almost no one is affected. everybody is already terrified for exams.
most dorm rooms have an “adopt me batman” sign hanging from the windows, or variations of that (”adopt me catwoman” is a pretty popular one too)
so the batfam most likely uses inappropriate internet slang around damian because sometimes they forget he’s actually just a kid. ofc this backfires with hilarious consequences, example:
big chaotic battle with the rogues and the batfam. batfam defeat the rogues and tie them up. they’re all high-fiving each other while the rogues glower and complain and squirm around trying to get out of their restraints.
suddenly, damian shrieks “we railed them so hard!”
deathly silence. no one’s quite sure they heard him right.
damian crosses his arms. this wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. with an irritated look on his face, he snaps, “what?” at his mortified audience.
EVERYONE busts out laughing. bruce goes bright red. so does damian, but he’s more angered as to why everyone is laughing at him, “what? what is it?nightwing? father? what is everyone laughing at? all i said was that we railed them.”
everyone laughs even harder. harley has to be partially untied because she’s laughing so hard she can’t breathe. jason falls to the ground in fits.
“not that i’m adverse to being, as you say, railed,” edward says between giggles, “however you definitely need to be much older.”
because, like, okay I can buy that maybe he can disguise himself well enough to hide the fact that he’s superman, but i doubt any amount of slouching and glasses wearing can truly disguise that he’s a very tall EXTREMELY muscular man with a jawline that can cut glass.
So basically this newspaper office has this guy who looks like a weightlifter/supermodel just hanging around but he wears glasses and acts like a huge nerd and everyone just goes with it???
Like “Oh yeah, that’s Clark. No no he works here. Oh no don’t bother being intimidated by him, talk to him for five minutes and he’ll devolve into a lecture on proper tractor maintenance. We like Clark.”
I wonder if the ladies in the office ever drag him with them to bars so they don’t have to worry about creeps trying to harass them like “back off creeps our friend here is 6′4″ and grew up chucking hay bales” And then it’s funny because (as far as they know) Clark is like, the meekest lil nerd around. (He don’t look it though!!!!)
It’s just incredible to me that Clark Kent can pull off being a quiet harmless dork while still looking like, well, superman.
Do you think he occasionally turns up to the office Halloween party wearing a really shitty Batman costume?
Batman movies: DARKNESS. EDGY. LONER BATMAN. NOBODY LAUGHS. THE ROBINS DONT EXIST OR THEYRE ALREADY DEAD.
Batman comics: there is a cow in the batcave. It’s name is Batcow.
petition for batcow to show up in affleck’s batman solo
ruby-dear archive 