Can we have a Harry Potter AU where Regulus Black is the Death Eater spy turned potions master instead of Snape?
I can’t believe I only JUST realized all the comedy potential that is Sirius showing up to kill Peter 3rd year and finding his supposedly evil brother working at Hogwarts and having civil conversations with Remus about Harry’s grades
Please let this be after a full year of awkwardness of Regulus working with his evil brother’s ex
Sirius and Regulus are both convinced they’re the good brother
Filch has a doctorate in art conservation and has definitely read Hogwarts A History
Actaully speaking of PoA, can we fuckin talk about Filch and his art credentials?
The portrait of the fat lady gets slashed and Dumbledore hands her off to Filch to get restored?
AND FILCH DOES IT, AND DOES IT WELL?
The next time we see her there is NO mention of anything like, oh she’s back but you can kinda see where she was cut… NO. She comes back in PEAK CONDITION.
Restored by Filch, who *has no magic.*
He restored this however many hundreds of year old painting *by hand.*
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
This 100% changes the character of Filch. Like I’ve only ever seen him portrayed as this kind of head janitor kind of character, movies style, but like. Why? Why would Hogwarts need that if it’s full of house elves? According to Harry Oblivious Potter, probably cause Dumbledore felt bad and gave him a shitty job but one he could at least do and still be in the wizarding world.
WRONG. It’s cause that’s not his actual job.
Listen.
Dung bomb goes off in a classroom? Long night for the house elves.
Dung bomb goes off in a 300 year old suit of armor? Long six to eight weeks for Argus Filch.
Fanged frisbee tears up an irreplaceable tapestry?
Filch.
Peeves draws dicks on a portrait of the founders?
Filch.
All these damn kids in and out of here every day acting like dumbasses and blowing stuff up when it’s already bad enough they keep tracking dirt and *breathing* all over everything?
Filch.
Now how about, how does Filch know all the secret passages? A combination of things. Probably paintings told him about some. You spend weeks restoring a portrait of someone who helped build the place which lives and moves and speaks in their voice and you’re bound to at least talk a bit, if not learn a few things. But many he probably found on his own, either by wit or by study- he’s gotta be entrenched in tr history of this place. If Binns hadn’t come back as a ghost Filch could probably teach history of magic in his place.
He keeps the place in order such that generations next will still have it, and said generations next show him no god damn respect for that. He’s bitter for a lot of excellent reasons.
I mean yeah kids can be little dicks but that’s no reason for him to like try to grab poor harry by the throat and threaten him for “killing his cat” with absolutely zero proof. Like the man was an absolute abuser of innocent children as well as those who were actually causing trouble. Like, I’m sure his being a little grumpy could have been excused. But he like, threatened to torture children. So like, that’s not cool and he should have been fucking fired no matter his skills.
Oh yeah. He also supported Umbridge when she was in power at Hogwarts. Filch is definitely not a good dude in a lot of ways. I think that there is potentially interesting character stuff going on with him, most of it related to being a squib in a society that treats them like dirt, and having this job that involves so much qualification and skill and having it seem not to matter as much as just having magic, and there could be a lot of character depth to explore within that, but whatever his life has been it doesn’t excuse the deeply vindictive and generally unpleasant person it made him. There is possibly this complex cause for the amount of bitterness he lives by but there’s no excuse for how bad he wants to take it out on everyone around him, especially when that is mostly kids.
Definite case of interesting character == good person.
Care of Magical Creatures: You need to show dominance over your puppy.
Defense Against the Dark Arts: STREET SMARTS!
Potions: I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said “It’s perfume.”
Flying: Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a hundred-year-old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.
Transfiguration: This is an on fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.
History of Magic: That’s like when your gram would be like, “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” and you’re like, “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”
Muggle Studies: “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.” And they’re like, “Partial credit.”
Frog Choir: So we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones’ “What’s new pussycat”
I wouldn’t accept this shit from a movie in 2008 nvm 2018.
this is embarrasing
What movie is this
this from the trailer for Fantastic Beast 2: Crimes of Grindelwald
what the fuck these look like they’re from a fucking ps2 game
trust me it’s worse when you see the actual trailer
Oh no fire the whole studio
gotta throw the entire franchise away
Guys I’m in this movie and I’m telling you do not see it.
It’s badly written, poorly acted – everyone on set was up Johnny Depp’s ass. It’s not a good film, I had to sit through 3 weeks of trying to make a terrible scene good enough for them to want to put it in the movie.
They also cheated us (the extras) out of money that we were supposed to be paid for doing extra stuff (green screen work, having our images captured for their cgi, etc.) I’ll admit I was paid well but I wasn’t paid everything, because they named the other work something else to get away with not having to pay us for doing more than the base requirement of showing up and doing what the director said.
I’ve just come to the realisation that Hermione Granger probably memory charmed her parents and packed them off to Australia long before she told Harry and Ron she’d done it at the beginning of Deathly Hallows.
She literally never goes home from Goblet of Fire onwards, spending her summers with the boys instead. In GoF she’s remarkably blase about her teeth, something her dentist parents would have noticed and felt hurt about.
If I were to guess, I’d say she probably did it after the wizarding world cup when she’d seen exactly how the wizarding world treats muggles and decided not to let that happen to her folks. Hermione knows which way the wind is blowing and gets in early. She’d be more than capable of doing it.
…Oh my God.
hermione is fucking ruthless and i will fight anyone who tells me otherwise
that was her “negative” gryffindor trait
was she incredibly brave and courageous and loyal? yes
but she was also vicious and violent and trapped a woman as a beetle in a jar for over a year because she pissed her off
hermione granger looked at the world, and looked at her magic, and looked at everyone else’s magic, and seemed to come to the conclusion that reality had better shut the fuck up and behave itself or she’d make it.
of all the kids, i think she’s dumbledore’s successor, not harry.
See this is why I don’t like it when people try and pass her off as this flawless pure sweet angel. Like no, she’s emotional, loud, angry, brash, and vindictive, and she’s absolutely awesome just like that. Don’t woobify her.
YES
Like she went from “oooh, we can’t do that, we could get expelled” (which was already pretty metal, tbh, because she said that was worse than death) to straight up LIGHTING A TEACHER ON FIRE
She went from crying when Ron said something mean about her to punching Draco right in the face
She went from stressing about the Rules to brewing illegal potions in an abandoned, haunted wash room!!!
Harry and Ron only ever taught Hermione Granger one lesson and that was to forget about rules.
Popular perception of Rowena Ravenclaw seems to be that she was very erudite and serious and like. I’m not saying that’s wrong. And she was def a smart and wise lady. However,
She chose the location and name of Hogwarts because she “had a dream that a warty hog” led her there
So like
Have we considered the posibility that Rowena Ravenclaw might have been weird af
I’m bringing this back because none of you cowards will consider it. Individualism and creativity are core tenants of the Ravenclaw house. That breeds weirdness. Look at Luna. Rowena Ravenclaw would get her.
Thank
you so much for your kind letter of the 17th. It is always a pleasure
to hear from you. I do appreciate your waiving the rules about
familiars to allow Wednesday to bring little Homer – she dotes on
that spider, and I don’t think she could consider Hogwarts home
without his company.
We
were delighted but completely unsurprised by the children’s Sorting.
Of course Wednesday is a Ravenclaw – she has always had a brilliant
mind, and it is rather traditional for the women in our
family. Slytherin might have been a possibility, with her cleverness
and ambition, but sadly (and quietly, between friends) I must admit
the wrong sort have rather taken over that House at the moment. Death
Eaters are so vulgar. Gomez, naturally, is over the moon about
our little Harry being a fellow Gryffindor – the world does need more
dashing, brave, and reckless men. They make life so interesting for
the rest of us, don’t you agree? And I am certain he will be safe
under your care, after his rather difficult start in life, poor
child. That aunt and uncle of his are just too terribly common to
protect him adequately – I am grateful Albus saw sense and left him
with us rather than her.
I
appreciate your bringing to my attention the small difficulty between
Harry and Draco – I shall have a word with Narcissa. (Lucius is still
being terribly silly about that little peacock incident, and refuses
to speak to Gomez at all. Men can be so ridiculously proud. And they
really did look so much better in black.) Really, though, Harry was
only defending his friend. I probably should warn you that Wednesday
writes that she is teaching young Longbottom a few of her more subtle
defenses – I sincerely doubt Draco will trouble him in future if he
uses those. I assure you, none of them cause permanent damage, only
temporary discomfort, and she is well aware that they are only for
self-defense, not mere childish aggression. Addamses do not start
fights, but we do finish them, and Wednesday has always looked out
for her brothers.
At
least that little incident allowed you to see Harry’s flying skills
in time to recruit him for the Quidditch team. I think he shall be an
excellent Seeker – he was always the best at bat-spotting on summer
evenings, and then there was the time he “borrowed” Gomez’s
broom to rescue Pugsley’s pet octopus Aristotle, who had developed an
unaccountable taste for tree-climbing, but had neglected to learn how
to climb down. It was a successful rescue, even though he was mildly hampered on his descent by Aristotle clinging to his face in terror.
Please
send my apologies to Severus for that unfortunate incident in Potions
class. I should have warned him that Wednesday was experimenting
with, shall we say, some variant recipes. I am quite certain,
however, that Miss Parkinson’s hair will grow back normally, and that
the snakes are only a temporary embellishment.
My
best regards, and do drop by for tea if you ever happen to be in the
neighborhood. Thing has perfected your favorite shortbread recipe – I
do believe he has a little crush on you. Or perhaps it is merely that
you are the only visitor we have had, outside of family, who is
sensible enough to shake hands with him without flinching.
ruby-dear archive 