every time i watch john mulaney i’m like “hmm maybe i’ll get tired of this white man going off vaguely standard comic material” and then he absolutely skewers my entire personality and childhood with intense specificity and i’m like ok. you can stay for this one jimothy
the houses as lines from john mulaney’s kid gorgeous
gryffindor: “In high school, people were like, ‘What are your top 3 colleges?’ I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”
hufflepuff: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that.”
ravenclaw: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”
slytherin: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.” x
Fun things that happened when I saw john mulaney live:
-immeadiately addressed the left side of the audience and told them he wouldn’t he able to turn and look at them during the show because he had slept on his neck wrong and would instead turn to us and bow-which he did multiple times
-told us that the theatre we were at (the orpheum in LA) was most definitely haunted and to please let him know if there was a ghost on stage with him
-a lady in the audience had a sign that said “marry me” and when john saw it he got very flustered and told the woman he didn’t want to and that he was sure she is “a very nice lady but…uh…I just really don’t want to”
-RAN off stage during a bit about street smarts to emphasize the joke. I mean the man SPRINTED
-when he mentioned Petunia everyone started clapping and cheering. John looked visibly annoyed, looked around in disbelief, and when the applause finally died down he shook his head and then very dejectedly whispered “every time” into the mic
john mulaney talking about how much he loves his wife and roasting other male comedians that just talk shit on their wives is why The Gays like him so much because he’s what Straight Culture should be
he literally called her a bitch so let’s raise the standards ladies and gentlemen
the bar is at the earth’s core
literally fuck you to hell tumblr
This is the first I heard of this guy and I think this is the most dramatically I’ve seen anyone’s words taken out of context in quite a while
I think I like Mulaney because he tells stories like how I tell stories:
Repeats things for emphasis.
Comments on parts of the story while telling the story, “You know, like how you talk to an 8 year old.”
Adds unnecessary details because I need to be fully immersed in the story I’m telling you. They hold no weight at all to the story but are purely for my own satisfaction.
Inserts random pop culture reference because my mind is basically the Wheel of Fortune and things just seemingly are linked (when they probably really aren’t ).
ruby-dear archive 