me – ruby-dear archive

delivery man: delivery for…Sacred Mistress Of Dark Spirits And All That Is Unholy?
me: (standing under my ebony Victorian doorway, stroking a large raven in my arms) oh cool my Pillow Pet. where do i sign

eastafrician:

im that friend that gives u lectures about life but does everything wrong

Gru: So Dru sneezed earlier and I accidentally said ‘shut the fuck up’ instead of ‘bless you’.
Lucy: How can you accidentally say that?

someone: you sure that’s a wise decision?
me, offended: i’ve never made a wise decision in my life & never will

petercapaldass:

doctadonner:

i can’t get in lifts with people because i have a sort of phobia of breathing in people’s breath

and when i got asked what was wrong by my law teacher (she thought i looked ill)

I had to fucking reply “I prefer people when they’re not breathing”