okay but turn the tv to cnn cause all the anchors are drunk and it’s great
Don Lemon got an ear pierced and is considering a tattoo. A guy in Dallas is hitting on Anderson Cooper from across the timezone. This is great.
Anderson Cooper apparently thinks Mark Wahlberg is hot
Some highlights from CNN’s coverage of New Years in case you missed it:
– Don Lemon was joking about getting a tattoo of Donald Trump’s face on his dick and then an hour later seemed like he was seriously considering it.
– A boat full of Canadians in Miami were very offended when asked how much the boat costs.
– As soon as the year rang in, Don Lemon thought they went to commercial about a second too soon and he screamed “2016 WAS FUCKING AWFUL”
– Don Lemon was interviewing people in a bar and he said to one guy, “wow, you’re really drunk right now” and the guy said on live tv “I’m not drunk, but I’m definitely not sober woooo”
– When Kathy Griffin saw Ryan Seacrest, she flipped him off, and Anderson Cooper had to hold her around the waist to keep her from jumping the railing and going after him.
– I actually thought it was funny and staged at first, but Anderson started saying, “Kathy! No! We’re on the air! We’re on the air!”
– A guy approached Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper to play a game where he says a word and they have to say what immediately comes to mind so he says “Ball Drop” and they both are like “um uh ah uh” for like a solid 15 seconds.
– “No, I’m not wearing underwear. Why?” -Kathy Griffin, 2016
– Kathy Griffin said she was getting drunk texted by one of CNN’s Political Analyst so Anderson got her on live tv via the phone and she was like “I was just wondering if you had backstage tickets to Drake, Kathy! Jeez!” and Kathy was like “That’s why I thought you were drunk! Why would I have a backstage pass to a show in Las Vegas for a guy I don’t know!?”
– Anderson Cooper had to stop everything to find and put his glasses on so he could read a cue card, but Kathy Griffin was like “wow, that sexy left fast” and he took them off and she was like “No, it’s not coming back. It’s like in Queens right now. It’s gone, buddy.”
– “No, Anderson. Say what you said a minute ago.” “What did I say a minute ago?” “You know what you said! Just say it-” “Are you talking about when I suggested that Mark Wahlberg is an attractive man.” “The word you used was not attractive.” “Well he’s not interested so it doesn’t matter.” “You don’t know that!” “I’m pretty sure!”
– Kathy Griffin recounting her Christmas dinner with Peewee Herman and some other famous people, saying that her dog was chocking on a bone and someone said to tap him between the ass and balls and it would come up, so she did, and he spat out the bone, and everyone clapped.
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at
his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t
stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
KATIEAND I JUST WATCHED RATATOUILLE AND WE WENT TO GO LOOK UP PORN OF IT ON PAHAEL CUZ THATS WHATS U DO AFTER A MOVIE AND WE WERE LOOKING AT THIS ONE PIECE AND WE WERE LIKE DAMN THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR AND IT WA S REBECCA SUGAR
ADHJSKDKSJDJDJDJDJJDJJDBDBDNDKSKSS WHEEZING
Imagine having a cartoon show thats extremely popular and bloggers end up finding ratatouille porn you drew at a very dark time in your life
m gonna say this again for like 40thtime in the past couple weeks but:
i dont think cis dudes realize how huge the huge tits some of them draw on girls are
like i dont think they realize like
the shear VOLUME like
like just HOW MUCH BOOB they truly are drawing
like i dont think they are aware
like the “small” boobs i see that i think r supposed to be, in their brain, like theyre thinking “she’s probably a B cup” and like the character would probably be like, a C or D cup like
like the most common thing i see is the like, Standard Really Big Boob being labeled a D when its actually probably like a tripple D or a fuckign G
like i really dont think they are aware how big the boobs are that theyre drawing
I HATE how tumblr brings up your old tags as you’re typing a new tag because I really don’t!! Want to remember!!! Some of the things I’ve said on this godforsaken site!!!!
tag this post with your first result you get when you type will
the best part of that story in context is that before they pull out their dicks, hemingway spends the better part of a chapter physically describing fitzgerald in great detail, claiming to be grossed out by him but obviously, obviously uncomfortably attracted
oh my god, it got better. I just went to find an excerpt and
Scott was a man then who looked like a boy with a face between handsome and pretty. He had very fair wavy hair, a high forehead, excited and friendly eyes and a delicate long-lipped Irish mouth that, on a girl, would have been the mouth of a beauty. His chin was well built and he had good ears and a handsome, almost beautiful, unmarked nose. This should not have added up to a pretty face, but that came from the coloring, the very fair hair and the mouth. The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more.
ernest hemingway calm down and control your thirst a little
“The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more“ is a hell of a line
you guys are leaving out one of the best parts! fitzgerald brought up this problem to hemingway while they were on a lunch date, right? well, because they were near the louvre, old earn hems was like, i know just what’ll help you feel better!
so after this lunch where hemingway spent a decent amount of time giving fitzgerald sex tips and reassuring him that he was a man of apt constitution, hemingway decided that the best way to put the man at ease was to show him the many dicks belonging to the naked men of classical sculptures, so that he could go home and give himself a reassuring comparison in the mirror later.
it was only after francis still wasn’t feeling hot that earnest went and took a proper look at him. the famed dick sighting happened in the louvre restroom. goodbye
When the real world reads like a scene that would have been edited out of a fan fiction for being “too unbelievable” and pure fandom wank.
I feel like k*nk is almost compulsory now and it scares me a lot
like I was reading this thing in vogue (I know I know) about how to ~Spice Things Up ;-)~ in the bedroom and there was a little story about one guy whose girlfriend wanted him to get rough during sex. He was really uncomfortable with it because, he said, he was raised to respect women or whatever so he didn’t want to hit his girlfriend?? And it was stressing him out and he talked to his friends about it and they were like, “well, you at least pull her hair and slap/spank her already, right?” Which is horrifying. But the story has a happy ending! See he tries slapping her in bed and he gets so upset that he can’t stay hard. I think his girlfriend cries. But then he Keeps Trying, and little by little he starts to get the hang of it! Now I assume he can have violent s*x without going limp, hoo-fucking-ray
but like just the attitude his friends had— “well OF COURSE you’re already chokefucking, her right?” and the way the article was like… idk… written trying to make it sound like his discomfort was just a hurdle keeping him from having Fun and Unrepressed sex or whatever ughughugh… I don’t know why bdsm/rough sex seems to be a mainstream thing right now, but I kind of suspect a lot of people are doing it more out of curiosity/boredom than because they really enjoy it and like that’s 1) super dangerous, and 2) maybe not the only option to explore if ur bored with your sex life?? I just hate it so much like I hate sex positivity I hate kink its so bad
just imo, its a symptom of society having become more ‘liberal’ in terms of permissible sexual behaviors but patriarchy and class being exactly where they were before. we are a society that still worships violence and subjugation and that bleeds over into the realm of sex as well
I saw a post the other day that was like “it’s 2016 stop pretending you don’t like being choked during sex” I wanted to fucking scream!!!
& I think that a lot of women are pressured into allowing themselves to be abused by men in the bedroom by this logic, because of course sex in which no one is being physically harmed or humiliated (and that someone, it’s implicitly assumed, is automatically going to be the woman) is supposedly “boring” or “prudish”….
how many times have we seen advice from women’s magazines and sex-positive feminists alike that goes “if you want to keep your man interested in you, you’ve Got To do things that are painful or unpleasant or humiliating or that you otherwise don’t want to do! it’s empowering!!”
ruby-dear archive 