Gary: “‘Cause he never forgets a bitch, ever.”
Ritchie: “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.”
Drew: “I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years.”
Harley: “Anyone who has seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.”
Solidad: “Adult life is already so goddamn weird.”
Paul: “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.”
Barry: “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”
Kenny: “I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen. People expect to see a 100-year-old blind man who’s texting while driving. Instead they just see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.”
Zoey: “Then, for backstory, I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.”
Conway: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”
Ursula: “Aww, I love how you just wear anything.”
Trip: “Get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
Georgia: “Yeah, he was not a ‘spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down’ kind of guy. He was more like, ‘Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.'”
Burgundy: “I’m like an iphone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year.”
Stephan: “You know those days when you’re like, ‘This might as well happen’?”
Bianca: “You ever zone out for a few seconds? Well, I’ve been zoned out since 2014. All day long I just wander into traffic listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.”
Alain: “When I’m walking down the street, I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey, look at that man.’ They’re just like, ‘Whoa, that tall child looks terrible!'”
Sawyer: “My vibe is more like, ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap, and I’ll probably apologize to you.”
Shauna: “Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, ‘Hey, I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the Cosby Show’?”
Gladion: “Like I bet you part of the reason goths are so miserable is they wake up every morning and think, ‘Oh god, I gotta put all that shit back on.'”