percyfrickingjackson:

“How did you die?”
“We er….drowned in a bathtub.”
“All three of you?”
“It was a big bathtub.”

It looked like the ocean was hitting itself repeatedly in the face.

“Braccas meas vescimini!” I yelled. I wasn’t sure where the latin came from. I think it meant “Eat my pants!”

I’d love to tell you I had some deep revelation on my way down, that I came to terms with my own mortality, laughed in the face of death, et cetera.
The truth? My only thought was: Aaaaggghhhhh!

Nico was a corn plant. And he was alone.

But Annabeth also knew that Percy wouldn’t listen. He couldn’t leave Bob to die alone. That just wasn’t him – and that was one of the reasons she loved him, even if he was an Olympus sized pain in the podex.

I don’t define myself by the boys who may or may not like me.

“HERNIAS ARE US” Wait…sorry. I’m dyslexic. I squinted and decided it probably read: “HERMES EXPRESS”

Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.

Decapitation is not a healthy lifestyle choice.

The situation was so pathetically sad it was almost funny.

Jason realized the ship would’ve already capsized or been smashed to bits of Percy wasn’t on the job.

After the fight with Lycaon, Nico had discarded his shredded aviator jacket.

Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says: I hope your eye twitches.

“What if we promoted, like, Adidas shoes?” Percy wondered. “Would that make Nike mad enough to show up?”

“That’s us,” he said. “Those five nuts right there.”
“Which one is me?” I asked.
“The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.
“Oh, shut up.”

We were all exited because that evening Capture the Flag was going to be totally vicious.

“SURRENDER! YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ONE SPANKING HOT WAR MACHINE! WHAT’S UP, ENCHILADAS? NICE DAGGER IN YOUR FOREHEAD.”

“Fear can’t be reasoned with. Neither can hate. They’re like love. They’re almost identical emotions. That’s why Ares and Aphrodite like each other. Their twin sons – Fear and Panic – were spawned from both war and love.”

“Like your zodiac sign?” Percy asked. “I’m a Leo.”
“No, stupid,” Leo said. “I’m a Leo. You’re a Percy.”

“Look, lady, we’re not going to go all Hunger Games on each other. Isn’t going to happen.”

Percy turned and sized up Jason’s tornado. “Nice outfit.”

“We could even provide entertainment. You could sing and I could, like, randomly burst into flames.”

“The rivalry ends here,” Percy said. “I love you, Wise Girl.”

“Not a word about the shirt,” he warned. “Not one word.”

Note to self: don’t leave boxes of magic grenades where dwarfs can find them.

“Atlantis?” Jason asked.
“That’s a myth,” Percy said.
“Uh…don’t we deal in myths?”
“No, I mean it’s a made up myth. Not, like, an actual true myth.”

He imagined the Fates up on Olympus, laughing at his wishful thinking: LOL NOOB!

“Europa fell off and died along the way, but that’s not important.”
“It was probably important to her.”

I have become one with the plumbing.

It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die.

What horrible things would you have to do in your life to get woven into Hades’ underwear?

“Fine. A very cute little satyr boy.” Will shuddered. “But I delivered it. Have you ever delivered a baby?”

“Oh, come on!” Percy complained. “I get a little nosebleed and I wake up the entire earth? That’s not fair!”

“Secondhand poison can kill a person, you know.”

“Okay,” Percy said. Well, just don’t get knocked unconscious.“
“Shut up, Jackson.”

“How far is that in regular measurements?” Percy asked.
Frank rolled his eyes. “That is a regular measurement in Canada and the rest of the world. Only you Americans-”
“About five or six football fields,” Hazel interceded, feeding Arion a big chunk of gold.
Percy spread his hands. “That’s all you needed to say.”

Afterward, I had the last laugh. I made an air bubble at the bottom of the lake. Our friends kept waiting for us to come up, but hey-when you are the son of Poseidon, you don’t have to hurry. And it was pretty much the best underwater kiss of all time.

I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. “You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush.”

“Do you have anything to declare?”
“Yes,” Percy said. “I declare that this is stupid.”

“Behold!” Percy shouted. “The god’s chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!”

Why can’t you place a blessing like that on us?“ I asked.
“It only works on wild animals.”
“So it would only affect Percy,” Annabeth reasoned.
“Hey!” I protested.

“We’ve got a dam hole.”

“I am a son of Apollo, you anemic loser.”

Now their only guide was an emaciated corpse lady with self esteem issues.

“Hercules, huh? Percy frowned. “That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn–there he is.”

“Though I am still sorry I won’t see you die.”
“I get that comment a lot,” Percy said.

“Hi, I’m Paul Blofis.”
Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand.
“Blowfish, did you say?”
“Ah, no. Blofis, actually.”
“Oh, I see,” Poseidon said. “A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon.”
“Poseidon? That’s an interesting name.”
“Yes, I like it. I’ve gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon.”
“Like the god of the sea.”
“Very much like that, yes”

“You’re cute when you’re worried,” she muttered. “Your eyebrows get all scrunched together.”

Then she laughed for real, and she put her hands
around my neck. “I am never, ever going to make things easy for you, Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.”

“That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.“

“Scrawny?” Leo asked. “Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.”

“He’s hot,” Thalia muttered.
“He’s the sun god,” I said.
“That’s not what I meant.”

He opened his hand and the stone Leo had skipped flew out of the stream, right into Percy’s Palm.

It was almost enough to make me turn vegetarian, except for the pesky fact that I loved cheeseburgers.

“We’ll go together,” Annabeth decided, knowing this would be their final battle.

As they passed trough the waiting room, the statue of Hygeia was sitting on a bench, pouring acid on her face and singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” while her golden snake gnawed at her foot. The peaceful scene was almost enough to lift Leo’s spirits.

Yet the tune Apollo strummed was so melancholy, it broke Leo’s feels.

He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me Fred.”
“A god named Fred?”

I mean, Owl-head and Wise Girl are kind of lame insults.

“Well, it’s the only pig ball I have. So don’t ask for an encore.”

“Save yourselves!” Percy warned. “It is too late for us!”
Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. “Oh, no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!”
Nothing happened.
“I said,” Percy repeated, “Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!”
Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. “Oh, no,” he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter. “I am turning into a crazy dolphin.”

“This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.”

“The Hades cabin needs a head counselor. Have you seen the decor? It’s disgusting. I’ll have to remodel.”

“Right,” he said. “Whenever an engine malfunctions, I like to tap-dance around it. Works every time.”

I was wearing a suit. I hope someone got a picture, because I don’t wear suits.

Now, he couldn’t help thinking that Octavian looked like a watered-down, unhealthy version of Will Solace – like a photo that had been copied too many times.

“YEAH! WHO DIED? WHO CAME BACK? WHO’S YOUR FREAKIN’ SUPER SIZED McSHIZZLE NOW, BABY? Woooooooo!”

He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life looking like an extra from The Walking Dead.

“I figure the universe is basically like a machine. I don’t know who made it, if it was the Fates or the gods or capital-G God or whatever. But it chugs along like it’s supposed to most of the time. Sure, little prices break and stuff goes haywire once in a while, but mostly…things happen for a reason. Like you and me meeting.”

“Don’t break the vile of deadly poison. Man, glad you said that. Never would have occurred to me.”

Dive-bombing a volcano was NOT on Reyna’s bucket list.

“I’m sure you both would’ve been wonderful at killing each other. But right now, you need some rest.”

“For a long time,” Nico said, “I had a crush on you. I just wanted you to know.” Percy looked at Nico. Then at Annabeth, as if to check that he’d heard correctly. Then back at Nico.
“You –”
“Yeah,” Nico said. “You’re a great person. But I’m over that. I’m happy for you guys.”
“You … so you mean –”
“Right.”
Annabeth’s grey eyes started to sparkle. She gave Nico a sideways smile.
“Wait,” Percy said. “So you mean –”
“Right,” Nico said again. “But it’s cool. We’re cool. I mean, I see now … you’re cute, but you’re not my type.”
“I’m not your type … Wait. So –”
“See you around, Percy,” Nico said. “Annabeth.”
She raised her hand for a high five.
Nico obliged.

Okay, maybe monsters kept coming back forever. But so did demigods. Generation after generation, Camp Half-Blood had endured.

“I can see the stars again, my lady.”

Leo had a weird memory of a middle hurtling toward him and screaming like a little girl…what the heck had that been about?

I’d never seen her so happy, like the chance to beat me up was the best thing that ever happened to her.

“Whaaaaa!” Nico flailed.

“Schist!”

Yes officer, that’s the girl that stole my heart! Sounded like a freaking country song.

“I think we have achieved idiot mode.”

“With great power, comes great need to take a nap.”

“Getting a second life is one thing. Making it a better life, that’s the trick.”

“Lady,” he said, “could you fold your flappers, please? You’re giving me a sunburn.”

“Stay dead. Stay away from us, or the grass gets it.”
“He’ll do it! He’s crazy!”

“Hooray,” Leo said halfheartedly. “I suppose that’s our poison.”

“I’m coming back for you, Calypso,” he said to the night wind, “I swear it on the River Styx.”

“If the statue engulfs people in fire, we should send Leo.”
“I love you too, man.”

Getting killed by Tartarus didn’t seem like much of an honor.

The waiter brought fresh-baked bread and cheese, a bottle of sparkling water for Annabeth, and a Coke with ice for me (because I’m a barbarian).

Hazel frowned. “What is a chicken nugget?”
“Oh, man…” Leo shook his head in amazement. “That’s right. You’ve missed the last, like, seventy years. Well, my apprentice, a chicken nugget—”

Percy had graduated to a totally different level of butt-kickery.

“That thing is really red,” Percy muttered. “I wonder if its cherry-flavored.”

“Until then, my friends, tell the sun and the stars hello for me.”

Or maybe because the visitors were smart and ran when they heard explosions.

It’s hard to pull off a romantic kiss when you’re both drenched in muck, but we have it our best shot.

“Go to the ridge-”
“And flash him!” Annabeth’s face reddened. “That came out wrong. But yeah, good idea.”

“You’re drowning them!” She complained.
“Hey, I’m a Poseidon kid,” he said. “I can’t drown. And neither can my pancakes.”

“I might kill my bro Jason.”
“Or I might kill my bro Percy.”

If Leo had gears and wires in his brain, they would have short-circuited.
Calypso pushed him away. “That didn’t happen.”
“Okay.” His voice sounded an octave higher than usual.

“Being a hero doesn’t mean you’re invincible. It just means that you’re brave enough to stand up and do what’s needed.”

Percy pointed his pizza slice at Jason, “You, sir, are a ray of sunshine.”

“It’s so cute I’m going to cry!”

“You weren’t able to talk sense into him?”
“Well, we kind of tried to kill each other in a duel to the death.”
“I see. You tried the diplomatic approach.”

“I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven’t you noticed?”

“I’m pretty sure if I tried to sing, all I would cause is an avalanche.”

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

“I played dumb.”
“Was it hard?” Annabeth asked.

Dragon Frank veered to the left with Annabeth in one claw yelling, “Let’s get ‘em!” And Percy in the other screaming, “I hate flying!”

“Greeks!” Percy yelled. “Let’s, um, fight stuff!”
They yelled like banshees and charged.

“It’s him,” I said. “Typhon.”
I was seriously hoping Chiron would say something good, like ‘No, that’s our huge friend Leroy! He’s going to help us!’

Then she did something so unexpected Nico would later think he dreamed it. She walked up to Nico, who was standing to one side in the shadows, as usual. She grabbed his hand and pulled him gently into the firelight. “We had one home,” she said. “Now we have two.”

“I’m going to be the flower boy at your wedding, right?”

Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.