The Last Jedi summarized by vines
Luke: *is handed the lightsaber* This bitch empty! YEET *throws
Disney about Stormpilot: 🎵Two Bros sitting in a spaceship, 5 feet apart cause they’re nOt gay🎶
Kylo Ren: *shirtless* Hi welcome to Chili’s
Poe: 🎵Where’s my Little Droid, where’s my Little Droid🎶 Finn: 🎵Here he is🎶
Finn to DJ: 🎵Why you always lying, why you always lying mmmmm oh my god🎶
Hux: Hey everybody today my supreme leader pushed me so I’m starting a kickstarter to put him down *shows graph* the benefit would be I would get pushed way less
Rose: *Finn breaths* *Looks at camera* Wow
Rey: I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me
Tag: star wars
modern au star wars. rey, poe and finn all live in a one bedroom apartment with poe’s corgi. rey doesn’t have a social security number. leia signed the lease so poe would stop sleeping on her couch. hux is kylo’s manager at the gamestop
han and leia are divorced but have been living together anyway. luke lives on a ranch in the middle of nowhere in arizona and they used to visit him every christmas but eventually leia got tired of trying to figure out what “ok so there will be no signs at this point, but after three hours you’ll see a rock. turn there” means
luke and han are the exact opposite sides of the antigovernment spectrum, which becomes a problem after luke realises he really loves drones
luke was raised on the ranch by obiwan, who has technically been squatting there since the 60s
padme had a will but anakin just had a piece of paper that said he thought obiwan should have his dogs and also his sword collection
luke refuses to mail anything so when he wants leia to have something he just drives to california and puts the package on her porch. he has a really poor concept of what leia needs, could use or would like so half the time she opens these 20 year old boxes signed “LUKE, YOUR BROTHER” in fading pen to discover, like, a broken tv and a note that says “can han use this for anything?”
How much must Luke Skywalker be freaking out right now?
Can you imagine?
You are moping on your island of self-imposed exile, and then this girl shows up.
- She’s flying your best friend’s ship. The ship that Han thought he lost for ever. The ship that was stolen and passed through so many hands that he was sure he’d never see it again. The same ship that took you away from home for the first time.
- She’s accompanied by your personal droid. The droid you left behind and abandoned. The droid that C-3PO was sure would never be the same again.
- She holds out her hand and she’s holding your father’s light saber. The sword you were sure was lost forever. The light saber that you dropped down a bottomless air shaft on a gas giant thirty years ago. The light saber you knew you would never see again.
- You look up and you see her eyes. Maz Kanata says that if you live long enough, you see the same eyes looking out of different faces. The girl’s face is different, but those eyes are the same. You know those eyes. They’re the eyes you thought you’d never see again.
And that’s when you know it.
You’re screwed.
They say sometimes the Force works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, the Force will send you little signs. Subtle clues.
Other times, the Force will just beat you repeatedly over the head with a gigantic neon sign that says: “You can’t run away from your past anymore, Luke. I won’t let you. Look, here is your past come back to haunt you. Now deal with it.”
You have no idea how much I adore this post with my whole being
I like the idea of the Force sending Luke little signs over the years that it’s time to return to his loved ones, gently increasing in intensity as he ignores them, until it finally gets fed up and shoves the events of Episode 7 into motion, finishing with a flourish of HERE’S YOUR NEW APPRENTICE, SPACE HOBO.
space hobo
s p a c e
h o b o
Yoda’s rate my professor must be wild
2/5 “He gives no partial credit. I asked him once and he said “Do or do not, there is no try””
5/5 “One time he did like 4 backflips. Awesome”
3/5 “Hard to understand but I learned a lot”
1/5 “I came to visit him during his office hours to ask about the homework and he died to avoid talking to me”
he was on TATOOINE you fucking loser
Obi-Wan can find an invisible planet hidden by a devious Sith Lord, Anakin can’t find his ex-best friend on his own home planet while the guy is still using his own damn name.
I know we give Obi-wan a lot of shit for leaving Luke with his real surname but Anakin really is that stupid
the perfect hiding place: the sandiest fucking planet that anakin would never set foot on again
I’d like to remind everyone again that it’s literally canon that Vader can’t step foot on Tatooine because the desert gets into his creaky old man robot joints and makes his suit break down
aka the sand is coarse, rough, irritating, and gets everywhere
i d o n t l i k e s a n d
okay but what if everyone was like ‘vader, kenobi’s on tattooine. he’s obviously on tattooine. he’s been there for years. he’s just right fucking there, we all know it.’ and vader is just desperately shaking down jedi like they’re magic eight-balls and he wants a better fortune. like ‘no i don’t like that try again’.
kenobi’s just sitting there in his pile of sand like a smug fucking bastard. he doesn’t need to hide jack shit. he went to the tattooine board of tourism and got them to print up flyers that say ‘COME TO TATTOOINE, WE HAVE SAND’ and luke is probably going to be safe until his midlife fucking crisis at this rate.
palpatine finds vader aimlessly checking behind pieces of furniture in some shitty space motel on kamino
‘he’s on tattooine,’ palpatine says.
‘nuh uh,’ vader says, and peers under a couch.
Can we talk about the Star Wars official character playlists????? Among the highlights are:
- Anakin’s has both Teenagers and Welcome to the Black Parade. I expected that to be on Kylo’s but nah, Anakin is the original emo teen.
- Kylo’s includes more than one Breaking Benjamin song and I find this hilarious
- The playlists follow the characters’ progression through the film(s) and so Rey’s has I Don’t Feel Like Dancing near the end and if that doesn’t say “I’m done with Kylo’s bullshit” then I don’t know what does
- BB-8′s playlist has both SexyBack and Rollin’ In The Deep
- Lando’s has Ignition as the first song
- Krennic’s features a lot of Sex Pistols and The Clash
- C-3PO’s is entirely classical music
- There’s some overlap between Rey’s and Padme’s (the latter of which includes Sk8r Boi)
- There’s similar overlap between Finn and Jyn.
- Luke’s has Sorry by Justin Bieber
- For some inexplicable reason, there’s a whole playlist for “First Order Stormtrooper”
listen I love those ‘imagine Padmé giving birth during the Clone Wars aus’ but instead of the Jedi Council just being okay with it for no real logical reason other than ‘we need general Skywalker because he’s the chosen one’ please imagine Padmé and Anakin still trying to keep their relationship a secret even when it starts getting ridiculous.
Obi-Wan: Anakin why do Senator Amidala’s children look like you?
Anakin: The Force is my father so maybe it bullshitted them some genes too.Mace: Anakin why did you move into Senator Amidala’s home?
Anakin: What? She needed help raising the twins. I’m just being helpful.Rex: Umm General Skywalker? Why is there a baby strapped to your chest?
Anakin: Luke is sick and Senator Amidala didn’t want Leia to catch it. I’m babysitting.Ahsoka: Master, we’re on a mission. Why are we stopping to buy toys for the Senator’s children?
Anakin: Listen Ahsoka, Luke and Leia will love this.Everyone who knows Anakin and Padmé: Look Anakin, we know you’re the father.
Anakin: *snuggled up to Padmé and they both have a sleeping baby in their arms* I have no idea what you’re talking about.
honestly… nineteen years old princess leia organa casually trying to bullshit darth vader, terror of the galaxy, that she’s on a diplomatic mission even though he literally SAW her getting the plans is my new fav thing about a new hope
Honestly I agree with the theory that Kyle’s birth name is Ben Organa and that Han took Leia’s last name but I disagree that it’s just because Alderaan is matriarchal, like, A. you’d better believe Han would’ve taken Leia’s last name no matter how patriarchal her culture was, and 2. Solo is the name of a notorious criminal with all sorts of bounties on his head, but Organa is a name associated with royalty, meaning Han could show up in sweatpants at any restaurant in the republic and get a table for Han and Chewie Organa without a reservation
I love that Chewie is also an Organa, no questions asked.
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