ok so the other day i was at sears. I was in the baby section. Im standing there looking at clothes and a lady who works there comes up and is like “oh are you expecting?” And i was like “uhhhh” and because im a dumbass i was like “no i already delivered.” And she was like “How long ago?” And i was just like “two weeks.” And she said “wow! You look great! When i had my first son, i looked like a mess for six months. Is it a boy or a girl?” And i was just awkwardly like “a girl….” And she asked her name and i said Chernobyl and she was like “oh what a cute name! It sounds really familiar.” And i honestly just stood there going through all that and pretending i had a human baby two weeks ago named Chernobyl because i didnt wanna tell this poor lady i was buying baby clothes for my fucking baby opossum
every time i see this text post i forget the ending and every single time it decimates me
ok so i go to school in milwaukee, and the summer before freshman year there was an overnight orientation and registration. I lived about two hours south at the time, and on the way there I drove my roommate. On the way back I was by myself for what would become four hours of being lost on back roads due to my usual exit being closed. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ll get real tired if I have to drive more than a two hour stretch, and at that point I was closing in on three and a half. I start dozing off, next thing I know there are Eyes staring me down from the corn that my car was drifting towards. I jolted awake, floored my car, and got about four? Five? Miles down the road (while still in corn purgatory) and I start nodding off again. I thought pulling into one of those field mantinence roads to load google maps up would be a good idea. Nope. I was on my phone for all of 20 seconds when I hear corn rustling next to my door. I knew there are Things in the corn, and I was really hoping this was’t one of them, but I looked up and saw the same Eyes as before, but So Much closer. Threw the car into reverse, barely checked for other cars, took off and didn’t slow down until I recognized a town that was close to home. Tl;dr: if you think there’s a Thing in the corn, don’t tempt it, don’t slow down and Do Not stop.
as a native Ohioan i also can confirm there are Forgotten Gods in the corn
a guy walked into the cafe earlier. he was wearing what looked like an expensive orange turtleneck, and had his hair styled up like an anime character and honestly he looked like he was having a great time. anyway he came up and ordered, and i gave him a table number and said i’d bring his order over shortly. he smiled and went over to his table. when his coffee was ready, i took it over to him and set it on the table and said that i hope he enjoyed the coffee and that he has a good day. he thanked me for being really nice to him, and that he isn’t used to being treated like this because he gets a lot of strange looks from people. i told him that it was no problem, and that i thought his turtleneck looked really nice on him. as i went to walk away, he stopped me and said ‘you’re really nice, so i want to let you in on a secret’. at this point i looked up towards my coworkers, who were motioning for me to go back over to them, but at the same time i really wanted to know what the secret was, so i politely said ‘uh, sure’. he seemed fairly trustworthy. it was a public place anyway, so he couldn’t really do anything. anyway. he proceeded to turn away from the other customers and just fucking…took the top of his turtleneck off. he explained that he cut the bottom of this long shirt and added velcro to the ends of it to make it a turtleneck. he held it in his hands and said ‘i’m a liar. everyone thinks it’s a turtleneck. but it isn’t. it’s great to have dumb secrets.’ and then put the fabric back around his neck and thanked me for his coffee again. i’m kind of scared now. what does this man know?
the other night i tried to make a curry and i got chilli burns all over my face, so i thought to myself ‘hang on, doesn’t milk soothe chilli burns? it does’ and i couldn’t google because i couldn’t see so i just had to blindly feel my way to the fridge and pour out a bowl of milk, and then plant my face in the bowl of milk, anyway at that point the rice cooker went off and triggered a power surge which turned my electricity off, which i didn’t notice at first because i had my face in a bowl of milk and when i did emerge from the dairy prison i thought i had gone blind with chilli burns. so no i don’t really cook much.
okay so as someone who lives and have lived in Plymouth Assachusetts my whole life, let me give you the inside scoop.
first things first: plimoth plantation. once upon a time in the wee spouts of fourth grade in america , you might’ve heard the story. 1620 a bunch of us cucks sail over from england, say “hey cool rock” and make a town. which is pretty true, yeah, so what does plymouth decide to do? make a replica of the town with it’s respectful native counterpart where they teach you about the different cultures and way of living. its like disney, everyones in character, except its in the 1600s. (fun fact: in order to work in the native part of the place you have to be native american. good rep.) heres the thing: if youre a resident of plymouth you get in for free.
schools fucking loved this.
every. FUCKING. school field trip. was to the fucking plymouth plantation. now plymouth isnt small- we got like 7 elementary schools. no matter WHAT elementary school u went to u were cursed with having to go to the plantation for your entire fucking life. on top of that. every fuCKING YEAR YOU LEARN ABOUT PLYMOUTH. FUCKING SQUANTO IS DRILLED INTO YOUR HEAD. god fucking DAMN i do not CARE about oceanus being the only baby born on the fucking mayflower!!! get a grip!!! teach it once then we’re done!!!
fun fact number two- said cool rock i mentioned in 1620? its fake. plymouth rock is fake. the one there now is a replica. the real one cracked in the 1900s and our dumbass town said “uh oh rock.exe broke need new rock”
three: the traffic is horrible. why do you want to come here? we have nothing to do. a fake rock and a fake boat and a fake town. but no, tourists pour in. please go somewhere else like fucking florida or cape cod why are you HERE
four: if i go to one more thanksgiving dinner im losing my shit we take it WAY too serious half the time. fucking kill me.
five: this town is dumb apparently in plymouth 2020 the queen of england is coming like she went to jamestown? the traffic is going to be fucking disastrous the LEAST you can do is conquer us if you come here, fuck
six: plymouth has americas second most dangerous nuclear power plant. fun.
seven: im related to five people on the mayflower and one of them had the first official duel in america. his name is edward doty. the dickass thought itd be chill to get in a duel with a dagger vs a sword. as punishment he got tied up for 24 hours. but the lil bitch whined so much they let him out an hour in.
@demigodgooglesearches DUDE! Your from Assachusetts too! I lived in plymouth for a bit and was not impressed at all. Everything was so expansive and constant tourist tours happening near the ‘real’ plymouth rock (and how is this rock surrounded by those pantheon piller things susposed to make it more impressive like jeez man) I agree the traffic is shit. Like the only good thing i found there was the easyish transport to P town and the high school (surprisingly good school in compared to the others ive been in tbh) and its just an historically over rated town man.
BRUH RIGHT “hmmmm how can we make this rock cool… i know! Pillars!” and tbh plymouth north hs is the best highschool ever i miss it big time
i’ve been getting a lot of comments about how i pulled off my last Hidden Walmart exploit so i thought i’d go ahead and make a basic guide on how to do it. i’m no expert and be aware that you do this at your own risk
What is a Hidden Walmart?
most people have at least one walmart in their city. but what if i told you that there’s nearly always an extra walmart that you can’t see? to understand why, you need to dial the clock back to 1967. the founder of walmart, sam walton, had finally begun mass expansion across the US. it had already opened nearly 30 stores, and was at no sign of stopping. sam walton was projected to become a tycoon with his fair prices and business skills, but there was one thing holding him back: bubble-gum.
sam walton was a fervent believer that bubble gum was made from spider eggs. he was convinced that spider eggs were ground up and mixed into the sticks of chewable candy, but also was sure that bubble gum companies would cut back costs on their spider-proofing technology with the anti-sugar hysteria that was still sizzling in american suburbia, causing some embedded spider eggs to make it through the proofing process. sam walton theorized that the spider eggs would be mutated by human bodily fluids and give birth to a race of giant superspiders that would hatch from the inside of its victims and wreak havoc on his country. but sam walton was also notoriously circumspect, and was determined to preserve the legacy of his grocer chain at all costs.
after only a few years into the expansion of walmart stores, sam walton signed a behind-the-scenes contract with the stuhler construction company. the agreement obligated the construction firm to build a near-identical, underground walmart directly underneath the original. the only differences between the “Hidden Walmart” (HWM) and the “Root Walmart” (RWM) are that the Hidden Walmart is devoid of entrances and exits of any kind. in addition, every Hidden Walmart is fitted with a very primitive scanner designed to detect the presence of any arachnid buds, which would then lead to the underground building to saturate itself with high doses of gamma radiation if the scanners read anything.
the intention was clear: sam walt wanted to create a series of underground walmarts designed to persist and thrive while the surface world was ravaged by overgrown spiders. obviously, the spider apocalypse never happened, but for legal reasons the walton family today is still obligated to honor sam’s corporate order, so even the newest walmart stores today have hidden counterparts. the walmarts themselves are devoid of any staff, and it’s unknown how exactly anyone was supposed to enter the buildings (the area around the Hidden Walmart is always filled with cement), but this is where my tip comes in, because believe it or not, there is a way to get into your local Hidden Walmart.
Preparation
if you do not prepare for your venture into a hidden walmart, you risk death, or at least serious injury. thankfully, prep is minimum, and can change the outcome of your exploration. it’s advised you wear thick clothing, because the Hidden Walmart will be at least one mile underground, and devoid of sunlight. anything warm will do, but it’s crucial, and i mean crucial, that you wear a pair of reebok walking shoes.it’s not known why, but they seem to be one of the main things that allow you to enter any Hidden Walmart. anything made before 2001 will not work. generally, white pairs work the best, but i don’t think you need to be a stickler for color.
the other thing you’re going to need is a bag of flaming hot cheetoes. just trust me on this. i’ll explain why later.
Queering the HWM
now you have the necessary stuff, so let’s get to Hidden Walmart spelunking. first you’re going to need to pick a walmart, which shouldn’t be hard.once you’ve arrived at the Root Walmart, you’re gonna need to find the hardware section, which will either be labeled simply “Hardware” or “Home Detailing Appliances”.find a nail gun in the aisle, generally any will do. after finding it, you need to lie it perpendicularly against the bottom part of the rack, at least between 90° and less than 180°. from there, you’re gonna want to find a corner in the aisle. if there is no corner, you’re probably just gonna have to find another store. when you get to the corner, you need to bend over, rear facing the wall, and touch both feet with your hands. hold that pose for about 20 seconds, and you’ll feel a weight pulling on you. keep holding. what’s happening is the nail gun‘s mapping is starting to collide with yours, causing you to build up speed. at exactly one minute, let go, and if you do it right, you should clip through the ground at long enough of a distance until you suddenly pop right into the Hidden Walmart. you’ve done it.
Arrival
i’m not gonna lie. there isn’t much to do at a Hidden Walmart. the merchandise at it will be as old as the walmart above it, meaning you won’t be finding anything new unless the walmart is ~2 years old.visiting Hidden Walmarts is a way of exploring the untouched and, depending on the walmart’s age, traveling back to the past. one thing i forgot to mention: if you visit the Hidden Walmart and you have eaten in the past 3 – 5 hours, do not enter the makeup or book sections of the store. those are generally where the spider-egg scanners are positioned. it’s a primitive technology that hasn‘t been developed since the 60s, and it’s been known to mistake still-digesting organic matter in a person’s body for spider eggs. if you pass those areas after recently eating, you risk enduring lethal amounts of radiation.
Finishing the Adventure
so you’ve explored the Hidden Walmart, and seen everything there is to see. but there are no doors or exits! how do you get home? this is where the flaming hot cheetos bag comes in. technically, when you’re in the Hidden Walmart, you’re still in the Root Walmart as well. consider it like the Root Walmart unknowingly giving you a “preview” of the Hidden Walmart, although your body in the Hidden Walmart is very much real. however, when someone “previewing” a Hidden Walmart makes a sound at a high enough decibel, the Root Walmart automatically reacts by ripping the visitor in the HWM out of the store and back into the original. the human voice isn’t capable of that, but the loud popping sound of a flaming hot cheetos bag is. i don’t know why it’s specifically flaming hot cheetos. some of my friends have said the capsacin in the snack make the air inside more brittle and loud, but i don’t know if that’s true. at any rate, it ought to take you back to the original walmart so you can return home.
this is an amateur guide, like i said, but hopefully this should give you guys a kickstart into the world of Hidden Walmarts. if you have any extra advice you’d like me to add onto the guide, please message me! happy HWMing!
EDIT: fellow HWMer circutspit has just notified me saying that it’s also for the best that you avoid all canines for at least a week after visiting your local Hidden Walmart. for some reason, the process of noclipping leaves an odor that’s undetectable to most animals except dogs, and they just happen to attack anything that smells of it. thanks for the tip!
ruby-dear archive 