normal-horoscopes:

Aries: would you trust you do do that? What’s the biggest trust you would trust you to do? Start there minus 20% trust-mass and do 3 sets of 8 reps.

Taurus: Keep a notebook by your bed, even if you don’t write. Come morning it will hold some magestic dribble from your own subconscious.

Gemini: The best apples are at the top back but who has that kind of time? People making a pie. That’s who. Know when you are making a pie.

Cancer: Life is short, aim carefully. People aren’t perfect, use explosives.

Leo: Interesting people with insufferable opinions always know how to use a semicolon correctly. Grammar is for people with nothing to say.

Virgo: The star responsible for your horoscope tonight was temporarily lost in an Ikea and too tired from all the excitement that followed. Check in tomorrow when they are rested.

Libra: You are a light in the dark. Finally those home bioluminescence experiments were good for something.

Scorpio: Throw off suspicion by wiggling your eyebrows dramatically. Nobody in trouble ever pulls shit like that.

Ophiuchus: Adrenaline is truly a double edged sword. Responsible for bursts of heroic strength as well as flop sweat. Everyone knew someone like adrenaline.

Sagittarius: Support your community with large stilts. Get to it buddy you heard the stars.

Capricorn: Make an impression! Brand your likeness into the dining room table. Threaten to do it to other surfaces! Continue the conversation.

Aquarius: You love it. It’s horrific. What’s the problem?

Pisces: The position of Mars says you should consider bending backwards at the spine on the bus tomorrow, upsetting several people with your cries for help, and then revealing the whole thing to be a prank. People need a shake up.

capsun-capvenus:

Aries: “And you replied, “Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he totally sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.”

Taurus: “She said,“You can make fun of me, just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.” I was like “Whoa, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined, that’s it?!”

Gemini: “I’ve never really cared about politics. But then, last November, the craziest thing happened.”

Cancer: “I was raised to be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. A lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world.”

Leo: “I lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.”

Virgo: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.”

Libra: “Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on this rocking twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second…what would Leonard Bernstein do?”

Scorpio: “I was like top three colleges? I thought I’d be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

Sagittarius: “Oh, you mean like having friends?”

Capricorn: “College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”

Aquarius: “My dad is so weird. I’d love to meet him someday.”

Pisces: “She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting.”